CAST of CHARACTERS
The NARRATOR: Author the play. Witty and smart but in charge of the play. Like an on-stage director.
Hamlet: Shakespeare's Hamlet, but maybe not so morose.
Pete: A friendly pirate.
Peter: Another friendly pirate but maybe a little dumber.
Disbeliever: A disbelieving audience member who jumps on stage to argue about the premise of the play.
Scene
The deck of a pirate ship.
Time
Any time would be fine.
(Lights come up on the NARRATOR, who is dressed in a tux with tails.)
NARRATOR
(To audience.) Hello and welcome. I am your playwright this evening. I wrote this play. I did. I am actually the playwright. No, seriously, I'm not an actor or anything. This is my play! This is how it starts: The lights come up and Hamlet is sitting on the deck of a ship …
(The lights come up behind the NARRATOR, revealing the rest of the stage to be the deck of a pirate ship. The ship seems messy, with ropes and cannon balls strewn about. HAMLET is reclining against a large pile of ropes. He is wearing a black T-Shirt which says "HAMLET" in white block letters across the front.)
HAMLET
Hi, I'm Hamlet. And I'm actually Shakespeare's Hamlet. I'm not an actor or anything.
NARRATOR
Hamlet is hanging out with pirates.
(ENTER PIRATE PETE. He looks like a classic Halloween pirate.)
PETE
Hi! I'm Pirate Pete. Aaaarrrrr!
HAMLET
He's really a pirate.
NARRATOR
That's true, he is.
PETE
I'm not an actor or anything. Aaaarrr!
(ENTER PIRATE PETER. He is also a pirate but wears and Old Navy cotton pull-over over his outfit.)
PETER
I'm a pirate too. Aaarr! I'm Peter.
PETE
He is Pirate Peter! Aaarrr!
PETER
And he is Pirate Pete! Aaarrr!
HAMLET
And I am Hamlet! Aaarrr!
NARRATOR
And I am the actual writer of this play! Aaarrr!
ALL
And none of us are actors or anything!
PETER
Hey Pete, what is Hamlet of Shakespeare's Hamlet doing here?
PETE
Funny you should ask…(Indicates NARRATOR.)
NARRATOR
You guys attacked his ship.
PETER
We did?
NARRATOR
You did.
PETE
We attacked the hell out of it.
NARRATOR
(To audience.) Most people don't remember it, but Hamlet used to hang out with pirates.
HAMLET
It's true. I did. After I killed Polonius I was sent packing to England where—upon my arrival—I was going to be killed.
PETER
Really?
HAMLET
Yep. Beheaded.
NARRATOR
Totally true and accurate.
PETE
But what a terrible way to end a play.
PETER
Yeah, that would totally blow.
NARRATOR
Yeah, Shakespeare kind of wrote himself into a corner with that one.
PETE
You know, Shakespeare kind of looked like a pirate.
PETER
He did kinda, didn't he?
PETE
A bit, a bit.
PETER
(To HAMLET.) So how come you still have your head then?
HAMLET
Well thanks to you Pirate Peter!
NARRATOR
Shakespeare had to get Hamlet back to Denmark in time for the gravedigger scene …
HAMLET
"… alas poor Urich …"
NARRATOR
Not yet!
PETER
Who is Urich?
PETE
(Whispering.) Dead clown.
PETER
(Startled.) Where!?
PETE
What?
PETER
Dead Clown!
HAMLET
Urich?
PETER
Who?
NARRATOR
Shut up! (Back to audience.) So Shakespeare shipped Hamlet …
HAMLET
That's me!
NARRATOR
… off to be killed. Now that's great storytelling as it comes on the heels of the murder of Polonius …
HAMLET
A rat! A rat!
NARRATOR
… but Hamlet's death means that the play would end. What Shakespeare needed was a way to get Hamlet back in a hurry. So what does he do?
PETE
What?
PETER
Yes, tell us!
NARRATOR
He uses pirates!
PETE, PETER and HAMLET
Pirates! Aaaarrrr!
(ENTER, from the audience, a Disbelieving Audience Member who is dressed like a person who would watch a play like this, but maybe with a tweed jacket.)
DISBELIEVER
Hold on! Hold on! I am a disbelieving audience member and I have some things to say. (To audience.) And I am actually an audience member. I am one of you, a member of the audience, not an actor or a fake pirate.
PETE
(To PETER.) I think that he just called you a fake pirate!
PETER
Hey! Did you just cal me a fake pirate!
DISBELIVER
Yes, yes I did. I mean, look at you! You are barely even dressed like a pirate.
PETE
(To PETER.) Hard to argue with him mate, you are wearing an Old Navy cotton pull-over.
PETER
Well it is cold on the open ocean.
NARRATOR
Excuse me. Yes excuse me disbelieving audience member—who is not in any way an actor—would you please get out of my play, which I personally wrote … because I am actually a playwright?
DISBELIEVER
Actually, I wanted to say that I think that this play that you wrote is ridiculous! And I refuse to listen to any more of these lies. I am a bright and cultured, theatre-going intellectual; I do crossword puzzles and I read best selling non-fiction. I have seen both Mel Gibson's and Kenneth Brannaugh's Hamlets and I know that no pirates appear in either.
PETE
Boo! Boo!
HAMLET
(To PETE.) What are you booing?
PETE
The aforementioned lack of pirates.
PETER
(Shouting.) Yeah! That blows! Pirates are awesome! The lack of pirates blows!
PETE
(Shouting.) Disbelieving audience members blow!
DISBELIEVER
(Shouting.) This play is terrible! Pirates don't even talk that way!
PETE
(Still shouting.) Yes they do!
PETER
(Still shouting.) 'Totally blows' is a nautical term!
DISBELIEVER
No it is not!
PETE
(Still shouting.) It totally is!
DISBELIEVER
This is idiotic! Hamlet did not hang out with pirates!
HAMLET
Untrue! Untrue!
NARRATOR
Hamlet did hang out with pirates. When he was on his way to England, his ship was attacked by pirates.
PETER
(To DISBELIEVER.) See!
PETER
(To DISBELIEVER.) You blow!
DISBEVIELVER
I don't believe it.
NARRATOR
The pirates attacked Hamlet's ship and then they took him back to Denmark just in time for Act V to start.
DISBELIEVER
(Thinking.) Wait, you're talking about the scene when he shows up at Ophelia's funeral, right?
NARRATOR
Right.
HAMLET
Wait, what?
DISBELIEVER
I kind of remember him saying something about pirates …
HAMLET
Excuse me, whose funeral?
NARRATOR
(To DISBELIEVER.) See, in order to get Hamlet back in time to discover that Ophelia is dead …
HAMLET
Ophelia is dead!
NARRATOR
… Shakespeare uses pirates as the plot device that gets Hamlet there.
HAMLET
(Clutching PETER and sobbing.) My sweet Ophelia!
PETER
There, there mate. Let it out.
DISBELIEVER
So you are telling me that Shakespeare—the greatest playwright of this, or any, language—in Hamlet—one of the greatest plays of all time—was forced to use a contrived, random act of pirates in order to make the plot function?
NARRATOR
Now you've got it!
DISBELIEVER
You are saying that without a bunch of totally ridiculously contrived pirates , one of the greatest plays in history …
NARRATOR
Completely falls apart. Yes.
DISBELIEVER
Wow … well … that totally blows!
PETE and PETER
(Cheering.) Hey! Hooray! Totally blows!
DISBELIEVER
(To the pirates.) That was funny, right? The way I said, 'totally blows'?
PETE
It was great. It was.
(Moving Upstage PETE, PETER, and DISBELIEVER link arms and begin to dance around in a circle.)
HAMLET
(To the NARRATOR.) So, I have gotten over Ophelia's death …
NARRATOR
It's amazing how fast you recover.
HAMLET
I know, right? Anyway, is all of that really true and accurate?
NARRATOR
What?
HAMLET
About the pirates? And me?
NARRATOR
It is absolutely true and accurate and not at all subject to my interpretation.
HAMLET
Wow. That's really lame.
NARRATOR
I know. Shakespeare was totally okay with the small things sucking.
HAMLET
So basically I get rescued, out of the blue, by pirates? I mean, pirates? Really?
NARRATOR
Yep.
HAMLET
I feel so cheap, so fake. That kind of crap wouldn't even fly in a Brian De Palma movie.
NARRATOR
Wow, what an obscure and mean reference.
DISBELIEVER
(To NARRATOR.) I have decided to become a fake pirate! Do you have room in your play for another pirate?
NARRATOR
There's always room for pirates! Apparently!
PETE, PETER, and DISBELIEVER
Aaaarrrr!!!
HAMLET
(To audience.) Hey everybody, I'm really sorry about that whole getting-randomly-rescued-by-pirates thing. I hope it doesn't lessen the rest of my play for you. Most of it is quite good and very realistic.
DISBELIEVER
Like the part when Hamlet lives longer than Laertes even though he gets poisoned first?
HAMLET
Wait, what do you mean lives longer?
NARRATOR
(To audience.) Well everybody, that's it. The play is over now. I hope that you liked it because I worked hard on it. I am, after all, the actual playwright and not a professional stage actor of any kind.
DISBELIEVER
Hey, why don't you do an epilogue?
NARRATOR
What about?
DISBELIEVER
Well, for instance, you could sum up the point of the play.
NARRATOR
The point? Wasn't it obvious? Pirates are lame and even Shakespeare was a shitty writer sometimes!
PETER
Pirates aren't lame!
NARRATOR
Yes they are! They totally blow!
(NARRATOR links arms with HAMLET and the others and they dance in a circle and shout and holler as the lights fade to black.)
END