First published in the American Drivel Review, Autumn 2007, Volume 4, Number 2
So lets face it, its not like youre always easy to be around. There are a lot of reasons for this, some youre surely aware of, some youre most likely not. Well skip the stuff thats juvenile, base or pedantic, like the smell. For most people the smell would be the first topic of conversation. Not for you however. For you there are other transgressions so abhorrent that they essentially transcend the smell. You have progressed to levels of soulless villainy so debauched that you have rendered your own smell meaningless. Not, however unfortunately, odorless.
But to get back on point here, there are virtually innumerable reasons why people leave the room when you enter it, why they side-button your calls and why they sigh heavily when you arrive at dinner parties, or really parties of any purpose. Here now we will attempt to number a few of your worst characteristics.
Let us begin with your dues-paying membership in the Nazi Party. Not only was this decision on your part ill-advised and poorly thought through, it is not something likely to assist you in winning friends and influencing people. It is not, as you have described it an interesting personal detail. Few people would like to count among their myspace friends or their casual acquaintances a member of the National Socialist Workers Party. Additionally, the Nazis lost the war, so not only are you willfully aligning yourself with a group remembered mainly for its cruelty and intolerance, but you have also chosen to identify yourself with losers. If there is anything that society dislikes more than a Nazi, it is a loser all partons given to Mister Beck should you ever encounter him.
But political affiliation is nothing if not a deeply personal choice and ones own decision to make. And at least youre not a Republican.
So on to more personal and more troubling matters, it is a poor indication of character that you lie so much, so grandly and so poorly. You are simply not a good liar, though quite clearly this is not due to a lack of practice. It is not wise to use a poorly conceived lie to extricate yourself from an unpleasant situation, especially as is usually the case one of your own making.
An example of what I mean: do you recall how I asked you to check on my cat while I was away on business? Well, do you recall how I owned a sofa prior to my departure? Well, do you recall how, upon my return there was no longer a sofa to be found anywhere in my apartment? Well, do you recall that when I went to your apartment to inquire after the fate of my sofa, you were actually sitting on it in your living room? And when I asked why you had stolen my sofa you said that you had done no such thing, indicating that what you owned was, in fact, a davenport? Semantics aside, you also pointed out that your davenport could not possibly be my sofa because your davenport had several stains of questionable origin as well as numerous cigarette burns and also still had a tag stapled to it from when the movers delivered it, which my sofa had not. And do you recall how when I pointed out that the tag indicated that the sofa had been picked up at my apartment you tried to convince me that I ran a davenport assembling business from my home?
Your willingness to treat the truth as though it is a pliable commodity is not only an annoyance, but it has actually cost me a very comfortable sofa.
However, I suppose that we all lie from time to time, so I will refrain from casting stones.
I have never however attempted to pass myself off as a famous thoracic surgeon for the purpose of stealing prescription drugs and medical equipment from the pediatrics wing of a hospital, as I know that you have done. On more than one occasion.
About that episode, I have also never suggested to hospital security that they Google my fake thoracic surgeon name in an attempt to prove that I am, in fact Doctor Ang Lee, as I know that you did. Why, Im compelled to ask now, would you do that?
But shenanigans aside, there is something else that I should bring up. Several months ago, upon discovering that you had contracted a difficult to spell venereal disease, you attempted for several days to Get rid of it by having unprotected sex with numerous, anonymous persons. Firstly, venereal diseases dont work that way and I explained that to you. Secondly, choosing not to tell your sexual partners about your condition is an egregious violation of the implicit trust that normally exists between lovers.
While on the topic of sex, seldomly do strangers, i.e.: super market patrons, fellow metro transit riders, school children or members of the clergy, wish to see the camera phone photos of you engaged in the act of coitus. Some, myself included, do not enjoy being randomly and suddenly bombarded with pictures of your somewhat out of the main-stream sexual acts. Also your photos are poorly focused. Most camera phones now have an auto-focus setting to correct that.
But moving away from the delicate issue of sex, about which we as adults can most certainly have reasonable differences of opinion, let us instead address for a moment the issue of your work.
Having decided sometime ago that traditional employment does not suit your disposition, your choice to create a hobby business of trafficking in the meat and hides of endangered species is not only immoral and unethical, but most certainly illegal. And the fact that you once convinced me to try koala jerky does not invalidate my argument. I will say, however, that I have long been curious how you come across such a large number on creatures that exist in such relatively small numbers. Clearly you possess some of the qualities of an entrepreneur. Some resourcefulness is surely required to engage in such procurements and perhaps if you could possibly find a way to apply those skills toward a more nominal and socially acceptable type of business, perhaps you might find some truly fulfilling success that way.
At this point I could continue, addressing issues such as your insistence on purchasing wives on the internet, your attempt to impregnate various members of my family or your horrible kitten-in-a-bottle breeding experiment, but in all due honesty your odors are again beginning to aggravate my sinuses. So let me leave you with these last parting thoughts: I hate you. I hate you as much as the day is long or the ocean is wide. You are a bad person. But in all due honesty I do not hate you because you are a bad person, but rather because you seem so constantly pleased with yourself.
I really have to go now. The smell is getting . . . god its just bad.
But, in summation, no one likes you.